As Deena’s dementia progressed, she became more and more confused about what products were used for what specific purpose. This was especially true in the bathroom, when it came time to shower and dress. Consequently, we had the ‘deodorant-as-hairspray episode’ and the unfortunate ‘toothpaste-as-hair gel’ incident, to name just a few.
I learned over time not to react when she used a product for other than its intended purpose, like the time she washed her body with her shampoo. No, it wasn’t the intended use of the shampoo, but it didn’t hurt her…no harm, no foul… so I let it go without saying anything to her. Because what would be the point? It’s not like she would remember to only use the shampoo on her hair during the next shower. Pointing out her mistake would only serve to make her feel incompetent, stupid and worst of all further erode her shrinking amount of self-esteem.
On the other hand, I did step in and stop her when the unintended use of something could have caused harm, like the ‘lavender hand lotion as mouthwash’ attempt. That time, I tried to explain that the lotion could make her sick if she put it in her mouth, an explanation that she was having none of. So, I literally took the bottle out of her hand and put it in a different, safe location. Was she mad? You betcha she was mad. But it was my job to keep her safe even if it made her mad.
Occasionally she’d ask what she should use to wash her hair and I would happily respond. But I learned that offering unsolicited advice “Use the blue bottle to wash your hair honey” was really unhelpful and always resulted in the response “I know what to use to wash my hair. I’m not a child you know.” as she used the hair conditioner to wash her hair.
It was a balancing act knowing when to step into a situation and when to leave it alone. I found myself constantly assessing the potential outcome of a situation. Would it cause physical harm? Or would intervening cause emotional damage that overtime would have a really negative affect on her already diminished feelings of competency and self-worth? I found that I didn’t always get it right, but at least I had some guideposts along the way to help me make decisions.