HAPPINESS AS A PRIORITY

Deena loved to garden. I love a pretty garden, but gardening itself, not so much. We had a landscape maintenance company that came once a month to do the heavy lifting. That left the maintenance of the flowerpots to Deena, which was just enough gardening to make her feel productive and useful.

As Deena’s disease progressed, her time spent in the yard deadheading her flowers, cleaning up the pots and talking to the plants became more and more important. Gardening helped calm her down, reduced her anxiety and gave her more pleasure than many other activities. But as with everything else related to her continuing decline, her time in the garden required more of my time. My job was to stand next to her to keep her safe from a fall and hold my hands out to be the receptacle for deadheaded flowers.

Honestly, holding deadheaded flowers wasn’t my idea of a good time. In truth, I resented having to participate in an activity that was clearly not of my choosing. But given the circumstances, I knew that I just needed to suck it up and stay with her while she puttered in the garden.

Then, one day when Deena wanted me to go outside with her to look at her plants, I channeled Jim. Jim was a man from my Alzheimer’s support group, who over the course of 2 years was a source was great wisdom and insight. The next day I wrote this in my journal:

May 2019

“So, I pictured Jim in my head saying that the most important thing for him is to make his wife happy. Clearly, Deena’s happiness and safety are my top priorities. So, I relaxed into the time in the yard with the plants and Deena’s happiness became my happiness.

Thanks Jim.

Today, I feel satisfied…”

Later, I decided to add 3 raised bed gardens to the yard so that Deena would have even more flowers to tend. I knew that the extra flowers meant more work for me, but I also knew that they would provide Deena with hours of enjoyment.

And I was right. Deena loved working with her new flowers. Plus, our yard was even more beautiful. What I couldn’t have predicted was the sense of contentment and connection those flowers would bring us in what turned out to be the last six months of Deena’s life.

We developed a nightly routine of spending an hour in the early evening outside in Deena’s garden. As she’d deadhead the flowers, I could feel a sense of calmness wash over both of us and what I once resented I realize I now cherish.

Now, when I look at the garden, I see Deena standing there gently talking with her flowers, tenderly taking care of each plant. I love the garden in the early morning when the sunlight is filtered through the Desert Willow tree. And, more evenings than not, I still take a glass of wine outside to Deena’s garden just to feel her spirit.

My friend Jim died a few months ago. I went to the celebration of his life yesterday evening. It made me think of his sage advice and be thankful once again for the gift he gave me. I know that my life was better for it. I think Deena’s was too.