I learned early on that being ‘right’ didn’t matter anymore. Once Deena locked in on an idea, in her world, it was right, and no amount of reasoning would change her reality. I read in a book once that you can’t reason with someone who isn’t capable of reasoning.
Arguing about or debating the details of something with a person with dementia is truly an exercise in futility. As a caregiver, I learned to find satisfaction in the journey, not in the outcome. And if your self-esteem relies on confirmation that you’re right, caregiving could be a long road.
Does it really matter who or what is right? Is winning the argument the point? I tried to keep my eyes on the prize…Deena feeling happy and loved. If that meant I would never win another argument again, then that was a small price to pay.
The one exception that I made was when it came to my feelings. We would often have this circular conversation:
- Deena: “You seem angry (or sad, or frustrated, etc.).”
- Sue: “I’m sorry I seem angry. I don’t feel angry.”
- Deena: “Yes you are angry.”
- Sue: “Honey, I know my own feelings. I’m not angry. Let’s go check the flowers.”
I knew that if I denied my own feelings and took her word for my emotions just to avoid a potential argument, that I would soon start to lose myself. I didn’t ever need to be right on the facts, but I did need to stand up for myself and my feelings.