Alzheimer’s Strategy #4: It’s the first time, every time

Memory loss and the ability to recall words, thoughts or events are common symptoms of dementia that worsen over time.  In fact, many people incorrectly think that memory loss and poor recall are the sum total of the problems that a person with dementia has.  

A person’s recall ability is tested by being instructed to remember 3 words that they will be asked to repeat later in the test.  A person with significant dementia may not be able to recall any of the 3 and when told what the 3 words are, react with surprise as if they are hearing them for the first time.  And I think that’s because in their world it is the first time.  In fact, it’s the first time, every time.

Reading the paper over our morning coffee was a regular routine for Deena and I that started long before she was diagnosed.  We always shared interesting articles with each other, which led to some wonderful conversations.  

As her dementia progressed and her recall worsened, I found that she was reading me the same headline 10-12 times, without ever realizing what she was doing.  She would literally read it in the same voice every time.  Truly, for her, each time she read me the headline, it was the first time she was reading it to me.

I didn’t want to respond to this situation in a way that would make her feel bad, or worse yet stupid, because she had no idea what she was doing.  So, I developed the habit of responding the 2^nd-12^th time to the headline as I did the first time she read it to me.  I tried to use the same tone, inflection and words.  If I was surprised the first time I heard the headline, ‘Wow, another 2 weeks without rain?”, I tried to be equally surprised every time I heard it.

Deena deserved respect and attention, regardless of her dementia.  To be critical or point out what she was doing would serve no positive purpose.  It’s not like she’d remember if I told her that she had read me the same headline multiple times.  She didn’t have the ability to hear that message, and then only read the same headline once.  My criticism however did have the potential to further erode Deena’s self-esteem, leaving her embarrassed and frustrated.

Don’t get me wrong.  This was not always the easiest trick to pull off.  But my love for her and my desire to build her up, not tear her down made it easier to stay patient and understanding.  And, when I was running thin in the patience department, I distracted her.  “Oh, look honey, the roadrunner is on the patio wall.”